A Kinksters Musings

Living with Kink or Being Vanilla?

This is a common question that gets asked time and time again on various site forums and though countless offline and online groups - once you have found out that you are kinky and experianced it can you ever go back to being vanilla?

The question is as complex as it is simple, because the answer depends on the person cause there is no one size fits all answer to this complex question, thus its up to each person to figure it out for themselves as they grow and learn more about themselves.

From my own point of view I use to believe that I couldn’t live without it that it was part of me so deep that I had to have it in my life - I had left kink and almost everything to do with it do to abuse within it, but I came back because I first though that it was all I had known on a sexual level (I’d never had sex without a kink connection to it) and in regards to relationship I’d never been in a healthy one and I’d never been in a vanilla one all I’d known was M/s based relationships that where more on the abuse side of things.

But that thinking like a lot of things was flawed and unfounded since I was still young in many regards for all that I was in my late 20s (still young enough yet by many standards old enough to know better and be smarter about the partners I was choosing). I get back into kink and the person who helped me get back into it wasn’t an abuser, wasn’t bad for me (but he wasn’t compeltly good for me either) and in general was a good person (though not as ethical as I’d have liked). He taught me a few things that have stayed with me, such as I am worth wile person and that what I wont within a relationship does matter and that my own needs do have a right to be taken care of just as the rights and needs of my partner to be taken care of on a consentual basis.

I’d forget those lessions when I meet someone who talked the talk and I thought at first walked the walk - but it would be a good year plus before I’d understand that he was all talk and very little walk. It was though that relationship that I’d start to understand more about myself and start breaking out of the mentality that had been drilled into me (he was trying to program me into his ideal and ya I was fighting it since I’d started to reach a point that enough was enough) that I was “used goods” and that “no one would wont me” and all that other crap that went along with being raped and what not.

Though online friends who would become real life friends I learned to trust myself again - I still wasn’t sure of myself competely but I was getting stronger. He had gotten asked to leave the place we where living in (I was welcome to stay, but he wasn’t) and in the moving process things got worse between us (we’d also passed the year and a day of dating and for what ever reason I was seeing things differently and wasn’t going to take it anymore), many of the things he had promissed he’d do he kept putting off or out right not doing.

During all this I still had the thinking that I needed to have kink in my life, that I couldn’t live with or be with anyone who was just vanilla based that kink was such a large part of me that I just couldn’t settle for anything less with anyone. So I entered into another realtionship of a non-romanic non-sexual based deal that was also poly based with another member of my local community but this time it was with me in charge.

We where a good M/s based couple and shared a lot of things in common with each other enough that I got use to being in charge and started feeling more confdent about myself and other things that had been an issue up to this point in my life. We started out as just friends within the community and in time became Top and bottom, until one day she asked if I would be her Mistress and I agreed a year later I offered her my first collar and she agreed to it.

Fast forwards a few years and now we’re online on Second Life togerher as an M/s couple and into my online life comes someone that I wasn’t expecting or looking for. We connect on so many different levels that I am floored. For the first time since becomeing active in kink I actually think about not being active within it and just going “vanilla” that maybe it could work that way with the right person. Little did I know that hir is also into kink but also a fellow switch though without the experiance to back it all up save though virtual stuff on second life (as in K had never dun anything in real time, all hir experiances had been within second life).

Thus with the knowedge that I felt that I could give up the kink part of me I knew something else about myself - that I didn’t NEED kink to be happy in a relationship, yes it helps and yes it still part of me but it wasn’t the need that I first thought it to be. K and I explored kink on SL together in a reserved roll of hir in charge and me following, then switched it around with hir following and me leading and it worked out between us on both sides very well that I was game to meet hir in person.

During this time of getting to know K my slave and I grew appart in many levels she was having internet issues and her and I getting together as we once had wasn’t happening mostly because of funds on my end and the ability to get out and about on both our ends - so talking at night on the phone was about the only communication point we had and with K in the mix I’d started to voice with hir and couldn’t have two head sets on to talk to both ppl at once as a result talked with my then slave started to out the window.

I know that relationship was hurt with bring in K into the picuture and that I could have handled things a lot better then I did, but the past is the past and well things happen as they do for reasons. Time passed K and I connected and my ex slave got pushed to the side though little to no fault of her own - I payed more attention to K and in time (within a year of meeting face to face) K and I got married which further drove that wall between my ex slave and I to the point that within two months of K and I getting married she bailed on the relaitonship to find someone else she could have what she was seeking. The parting was not great and hurt me a great deal since I had at that pointin time though I was juggling the two deals rather well but in hind sight that was anything but the case.

Settling into married life with K taught me that as much that kink might be in my so called blood its not something that I have to have day to day in my life to be happy and feel content. We do have a form of it in our day to day lives yes, but its more what we’ve fallen into over the years we’ve been married that have developed into a deal between us. We don’t switch much anymore and even on SL we’ve stopped swiching things around and are mostly Mistress and boi on there because its what works for us.

So for my own answer to the Q of Living with Kink or Being Vanilla, its both I can live with it or without it but elements of both have their place within my life in a balanced setting of love and life.

Anonymous said: how do i propose a Dom/Sub relationship to my boyfriend of 14 months? I would greatly enjoy being his sub, but am unsure if he would readily accept a dom role. What do i say?

There are many ways you can go about this, but one way is to actually ask him if he might be interested in such an arrangement since most of kink is built upon open communication between the parties invovled starting those lines of communication from the get go is a good idea.

Alternativaly getting the book “When someone you love is kinky” might be a good option if he’s into reading books in general, if he’s not much of a reader then that might not be of any help what so ever. Even joining site such as FetLife and seeing if he’d be willing to join it wouldn’t be a bad idea.

But to me it comes down to you have the interest, you don’t know if he does or doesn’t. Also remember just because he is male doesn’t make him a D type he might well be an s type and you wouldn’t even know it, thus assuming that he is a D type from the get go likely isn’t the best idea - but then again he could be a switch in which case got to start some where if kink works for him to any degree.

As to the talking part, you can always ask him to use scarves to tie you up in bed, or take it on your own accord to “serve” him in general day to day deals (bring him breakfast in bed, ask his opinion of what you should wear for the day, etc). Talking to him about any fantacies that you might have can also come into play here, such as him being in charge in a 1950s sort of way (if that is what your looking at).

I’m a blunt person, if I’m interested in someone I am up front about it and with my own mate I told hir right from the start before we formed a relaitonship that I was into kink take it or leave it, turned out hir was also kinked and a fellow switch, though more on the s side then the D side.

Answering of a PCOS Q

I’ve lost over 100 pounds and am 50 pounds from goal weight, it took me 4 years to louse the 100 pounds and well the rest has been the kicker to get off its taken me 3 years to louse 30 pounds which is most annoying to say the least. 

I can’t say that its made any differance in my PCOS symptoms at all because they are the same as they have been that I can tell, no change in the matter. 

Hair growth wise, I’ve now got hair where I never had it before yet I know its normal for girls to have hair growth there - just for me in those areas until the past three years I have not had hair there to worry about and am finding I do NOT liking having hair there at all its most annoying to say the least. On plus size my thinning hair on the top of my head has thickened up a little so no further loss up top (seems I traded the loss for growth down below instead) 


For ladies who have lost a lot of weight already. How long did it take for you to notice a difference in your PCOS symptoms? How long did it take for your excess hair to minimize? Did it ever completely stop growing?


Yes its been a while since I posted or tweeted anything … life has been happening and I just haven’t kept up with this side of things. Things are going well between K and I we’re still going strong but at the same time the unemployment for both of us is having its toll we enjoy being in each other’s company there is no question about that - but crunching the pennies to make things streach is getting harder.

K has had several interviews to date yet not a single one of them have called back to offer him a job and well I’ve not even gotten a callback I’ve lost count in how many resume’s that I’ve sent out or handed in this year never mind last year - I know last year its at the 1k mark this year its at least a hundred have been sent out via email or filled out online and handed out about 50 since the start of the year I really do NOT like getting the “we’re looking for ppl with at least 6 months of retial experiane” comments that locally I’ve gotten its annoying on oh so many different levels … add to it that with those comments it just make it that much harder for me to find any work.

I’m trying in my field of study (graphic design) but most of the work options are outside the city and there I hit another wall many places willing to hire outside of the city are posting that they are looking for local only not those outside of there locations - ARG!

I can’t apply for unemployment because the work I’ve had in the past doesn’t quify me for it which sucks since if it did, I might actually be able to get work under the EU deal, since several companies I was interested in are only looking for those who are on EU or recently come off of it and are looking for work - but since I’m not on it or recently off of it I don’t quify for their positions to start with = discrimination of a sort that really can’t be faught since the programs though the government and thus funded by them.

A lot of the kink side of things between K and I have slown down to the point that its just in the background in general between us atm because we’re so freaking stressed over what is going on in our lack of employment and our bills which are getting higher and higher (even with help from my folks).

Oh well we know something will turn up, its just a matter of time - we are just hoping that its sooner rather then later that it happens.

On the subject of kids:

There is nothing wrong with making the choice to be Childfree there are many of us out there who have also made that choice not to have children (some have even taken steps to make sure it can’t happen).

Remember one makes the choice to have a child just as one makes the choice not to have one - when you boil it down, It Is A Choice.



Hello, I never want kids.

This should be the end of my explanation on this subject, but I’ll indulge your curiosity.

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Online Dating Personals: Safety Tips

While the Internet provides millions of opportunities for people to meet, you must remember to use common sense. It’s easy to get swept-up into a fantasy world, but reality begs for us to use caution. Like the offline world, the online world has its ups and downs - good people and bad people. While the majority of people can be trusted, we must all be aware of the scammers, liars and the rare but present predators. While there are risks, hiding from the world is not the answer. There are many ways to protect yourself and find someone online! Here are several tips for you to remember.

Online Dating in General…
1) Use caution when choosing a handle.
Select a handle that will attract the kind of person you are interested in meeting. Using a handle that has a sexual connotation will get noticed - not always by the type of person you’d like to have a relationship with, much less a conversation with. A gender-neutral handle may also be a plus and help fend off the jerks and creeps.

2) Never, ever give out personal information. This may be the most important thing for you to remember. Your personal information includes your real name, telephone number, personal email or home address. If they want to send something to you through the mail, get a post office box. They’re not expensive! No matter how nice the other person may seem, you do not know them. While most people are decent, you can never be absolutely sure. Don’t risk having this information fall into the wrong hands.

3) On the telephone?
Activate your caller ID blocking feature to keep your number private.
Don’t call collect! Your number will show up on their phone bill.
If you want the other person to be able to contact you, get a pager.
Use a payphone. It may be a hassle, but well worth it!

4) Location is everything. You haven’t told the other person your name, phone number or any other personal information. But, you’ve told them all about living in Anytown, USA with a population of only 1,102. Think someone who really wanted to could find you? The answer is yes. Telling someone that you live in a small town, even omitting your actual address, is not the way to go. On the other hand, saying you live in New York is probably a pretty safe bet!

5) Get a current picture. Use a current picture. This may not exactly be a safety issue - but more of an honesty issue. Be honest and post a current photo even if you’ve gained a few pounds! If the other person’s picture seems to be outdated, and they refuse to update it, you must put them in the “dishonest” pile. Even if you do not have a scanner, there’s a variety of cheap and easy ways to get a photo scanned. There’s no reason for someone to lie, unless they’re hiding something. Don’t put up with their dishonesty.

Communication and Red Flags…
1) Get the details. Feel free to scrutinize the emails and chat sessions you have with another person. If they seem too good to be true, they probably are. If they’re vague about their life, try to non-intrusively get some details. Red flags are people who are vague, talk in circles, or answer questions with questions. Be very cautious with these types of people. They may be playing hard to get, or they may not be on the level.

2) Are they hiding something? If the other person can only meet and chat with you in the middle of the night, they may have a secret. If you call them and they talk in a hushed voice or “have to go” all of a sudden, they may not be as single as they claim. If you call at a non-designated time and they get angry, feel free to assume that they’re hiding something from you. Red flags are anyone who uses fancy footwork, excuses, or evasive maneuvers when asked straightforward questions. If they cannot be honest with you from the get-go, don’t count on them to ever be forthright.

3) Instant love may not be what it seems. While you may feel an instant connection or powerful attraction to a person online, this does not qualify as falling in love. It may however fall under puppy love, infatuation, and even lust. But scammers and con artists have used the “I’m in love with you” angle offline for countless years. What’s stopping them from going online to make their next score? Love takes time no matter what the fairy tales imply. Red flags are people who, after minimal online contact, express their undying love. Other hints may be that shortly after talking about being in love with you, they also mention how broke they are, how they just got laid off from work, or how their accountant took off with all their money. While the other person may just be a lonely soul who’s truly attracted to you, you can never be sure. Slow things down and don’t let “love” rob you blind.

4) Get their background checked, especially if you’re planning to take the next step and meet the other person face to face. By that point, you should know their name, so put your mind at ease with a background check. You can find several services online, many for a reasonable price. Even if you don’t notice any red flags or get a gut instinct to back off, it’s a matter of respecting yourself and your safety. Your only red flag here will show up in black and white.

5) Don’t put off meeting in person. While online relationships can be full of romance and intrigue, your ultimate goal is to meet someone, date them and possibly more. Why put it off? Why invest in a relationship online if it’s going nowhere offline? Make sure the spark you get from your chat sessions and email also exists in the “real world”. Red flags are anyone who puts it off or avoids answering your questions about meeting. And remember, if you do not have the money to invest in a long distance relationship, don’t start one. Online dating requires that your brain and your heart work together to make the best and safest decisions for you.

Going Offline for a Meeting…Safety First
1) Once you’ve agreed to meet face to face, don’t ask the other person to pick you up. Get yourself to and from the date, even if you have to beg a ride off of a friend or take a taxi.

2) Before you go, make sure that several friends and family members know where you’re going, who you’re going with and when to expect you back. Make sure everyone writes down the information so that there are no misunderstandings.

3) Always meet in a public place. A public place does not mean a parking lot - they are not monitored closely enough to be considered safe. Make your first meeting a lunch or coffee date. If the sparks don’t fly, it’s much easier to say that you have a meeting or some other commitment that requires you to end the date prematurely.

4) Stay in a public place. If they pressure you to go elsewhere, say NO. If they pressure you, they obviously don’t care about your feelings - don’t spare their feelings. End the meeting and leave. If they start to follow you to where you’ve parked, stop and hail a cab. Come back later for your car with a friend or family member.

5) If possible, bring a cellular phone. If you need help or feel a little nervous, excuse yourself to the bathroom and call for back up! Put together an instant, “accidental” meeting with a friend. They’re also good for emergencies or in case you think your online love is an offline stalker who’s following you home. Use the cellular phone to call the police - just don’t head back home. Keep the person far from there. Drive to a police station if you feel it’s necessary.

6) Never leave your personal belongings unattended. A purse or wallet contains all of your personal information. In your jacket pocket could be your keys. Just don’t take the risk.

7) Do not leave your beverage unattended. If you do, nonchalantly ask for another drink.

8) Stick with non-alcoholic drinks. Being drunk is not a good way to be safe.

9) If all goes well, set-up another date before the first one comes to an end. Use your best judgment and gut instincts to determine whether or not the other person is worthy of a second date. Be sure that this second date (and any others thereafter) incorporates all of these safety tips. You’re worth the effort! If the other person truly cares about you, they’d expect nothing less.

A Thousand Miles from Home…Extra Tips for Meeting a Long Distance Interest
Be sure to use most if not all of the tips mentioned above, plus the following tips if you plan to travel to meet your online interest:

1) DO NOT plan to stay at the other person’s home for your visit. If you cannot afford a hotel, do not go.

2) If you’ve made hotel reservations, do not tell the other person where you’re staying. They don’t need to contact you there. You can contact them.

3) Let them meet you at the airport, but do not get in a car with them. They can help you with your baggage and help you hail a cab. Use cabs as your mode of transportation throughout your trip.

4) Be sure to keep in touch with friends and family. Have a schedule in place as to when you should call. And make sure they know where you’re staying and how to reach you. Again, this is a good time to carry and use a cellular phone.

5) Just in case…keep your valuables in an in-room safe or in with the front desk - they often have safety deposit boxes available for free or a minimal charge.

6) When you leave, just to be sure, meet them at the airport to say goodbye.

Levels of BDSM

I have referred to a listing of the “9 Levels of Submission”* at other sites over and over again. Having thought about it, I feel that these levels are too defined. I propose, instead that it takes two to make a relationship, I feel there are 4 corresponding levels, thus leading to 4 kinds of BDSM relationships outside of what one might call themselves in general.

Each person in a BDSM relationship has a responsibilities to seek out someone who is a compliment to their desired level. For example, a purely “beat me” masochist isn’t going to be happy with an “own you” 24/7 Master/Mistress. Likewise, an “own me” slave isn’t going to be entirely fulfilled by a pure Sadist who Isn’t looking to own anyone ever.

Remember, no level is better than another, only different. Of course, each is of a sexual nature to many but not to all, nor is it necessarily about the physical aspect of sex. And, most importantly, most people will find that they are a mix of two or more levels as it works for them.

The Masochist
This person gets their kicks solely from enduring the pain and the energies/reactions caused by it. They want to be hurt, their limits pushed, their physical threshold challenged. They may or may not want it culminated in sexual gratification; that would be an “added bonus”, secondary to the pain. Usually not interested in a 24/7 relationship based on pain; instead is it used as a delightful spice for sensual expression.

The Sadist
This person gets their kicks solely from inflicting the pain and the energies/reactions thereof. They want to be the source of this erotic pain and enjoy the sensuality of the torment. They may or may not want it culminated in sexual gratification; that would be an “added bonus”, secondary to the pain. Usually not interested in a 24/7 relationship based on pain; instead is it used as a delightful spice for sensual expression.

A S/m Relationship
While these people may find that they do indeed love one another and want to commit to each other, the S/m aspect is about the giving and receiving of pain. These people are together usually to mutually fulfil each others need for the sensualness of S/m. Love and sex are secondary to the enjoyment each derives from the infliction of pain. In fact, and S/m relationship can exist without the need of love OR sex on either side.

The Bottom
Very much into role playing and sexual gratification. Likes to give up control for short periods of time when doing a scene. Not into personal servitude, per say, but into playing the slave or practising the submissive side of a fetish. Not into being owned or a 24/7 relationship based solely on being the bottom. Again, its a nice way to spice their sexual expression.

The Top
Very much into role playing and sexual gratification. Likes to take control for short periods of time when doing a scene. Not into personal servitude, per say, but into playing the Master or practising the Dominant side of a fetish. Not into owning or a 24/7 relationship based solely on being the Top. Again, its a nice way to spice their sexual expression.

A T/b Relationship
These people are not looking to form a relationship based solely on the T/b aspect. It may be, however, that a relationship that has this as an integral part exists. There is a degree of power exchange, but not for long periods of time and the time spent together is full of role playing and mutual fantasy fulfilment.

The Submissive
Very much into being directed by the Dominant. Wants to give up control for longer periods of time or in more intense ways. Is very much into the erotic side of submission and into servicing the Dominant sexually, but is a little more reluctant to give in to the personal servitude. Might be into feeling a 24/7 relationship to one sole person and being collared to show commitment, but not into feeling “owned” per say The relationship is seen as something more than just “kinky sex”; a power exchange takes place.

The Dominant
Very much into directing the submissive; orders and details are important. Taking control is most certainly a priority and is very much into the erotic side of submission. May not be into being personal servitude, but is most likely interested in being serviced sexually. Might be interested in a 24/7 relationship with one submissive and collaring such to show commitment, but not necessarily into “owning” them. The relationship is seen as something more than just “kinky sex”; a power exchange takes place.

A D/s Relationship
Because there is a much more intense power exchange, or because there are longer periods of such, most people in this kind of relationship do indeed have a love or caring aspect in it; there is a certain commitment involved emotionally. The relationship can be based solely on the D/s aspects because of this. Each gets fulfilment through the giving and fulfilment of orders, attention to details, punishment for wrong doing and sexual control, but not necessarily from being owned or owning.

The Slave
Wants to be owned. A sense of security is gained by belonging to someone. Very much into servitude; so much so that they are eager to learn the little things about their owner so that they don’t need to be told something in order to get it done. Certainly into 24/7 relationships and collaring to show ownership. May or may not be open to the erotic or masochist side of submission; their pleasure is mostly derived from servitude.

The Master/Mistress
Wants to own and derives as sense of satisfaction from such. Very much into personal service from the slave and the personal attention that involves. Not necessarily into giving repetitive orders. Very interested in a 24/7 relationship and collaring to show their ownership of the property (though not always the case, it is one of the most common ones). May not be inclined to play sadistically, except to punish (if that is part of the chosen dynamic); the pleasure of the relationship comes from owning a person completely and being responsible for them (though that is by no means the only pleasures, but it is one of the most common of them in my personal opinion).

An M/s Relationship
The focus of this relationship is of ownership, either being owned or owning. A certain pride and a sense of fulfillmeant is gained from such. Slaves are almost always collared to show that they are property and the relationship is almost always 24/7 and contractual. Aspects of S/m may come into play and often sexual control is a goal but it iIsn’t always the case, the main pleasure for many is from the personal service and attention to detail the slave brings to the relationship.

It’s Not a Choice

It’s Not a Choice
by: Kristy Allen 2003

Well, no one said it was easy. Falling in love is one of the most pleasurable and simultaneously frightening experiences one can have. After all, you ARE making yourself extremely vulnerable, practically handing your heart over to someone. In a way, falling in love is an act of surrendering. You are giving into your feelings and letting things happen. You are essentially giving up any control you have, risking the outcome. You let the person in, share things you wouldn’t tell your best friend, meet the family, etc., all the while risking that it might not work out. On second thought, falling love sounds terrifying.

So how do we make that leap of faith? What helps us get over our fears, insecurities, and doubts? In a world that can treat love as disposable as a daily newspaper, what could possibly make us risk rejection? I propose that it’s not a choice. Falling in love is not a choice. It just is.

Hear me out. We can think we are jaded all we want, but when real, true love walks in, we don’t have a choice. You can’t predict when it will happen, but you’ll know it when it does. Sure, you can resist it, but why bother? The thing is, if you find someone whom you really connect with, YOU ARE LUCKY. Who are you to dismiss love? Cherish it! People talk about “connecting” all the time, but what does that actually mean?

It means that not only do you share similar interests, talk for hours and beg for more, have crazy hot chemistry, but also that your heart has found its best friend. Your soul has been reunited with its twin. You don’t have a choice in something like that. IT JUST IS.

It’s immediately thinking of the person when you wake up in the morning. It’s thinking of them throughout the day and wanting them to know it. It’s that they are the first person you think of to share great news or mundane trivialities with. It’s your best friend in and out of the sack. And if you have someone like that, you are lucky, lucky, lucky. When you actually meet someone with whom you have an inexplicable “connection,” you will not have a choice whether to love.

Your carefully guarded heart won’t stand a chance because you will rise to the occasion (no pun intended - I know where your minds went!) without you even realizing it. You will do whatever you can to keep that person. Match. Set. Game. No choice. It just is.

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